No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize