since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
