im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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