I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
