Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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