I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
