I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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