he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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