it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i wish my penis had a tongue
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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