You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
