I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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