And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
