I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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