Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
