bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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