My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
