When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
