Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
