WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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