Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
