When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
