I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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