i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
