Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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