chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
