she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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