How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
