I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
