You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
