Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
