Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
