whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
