sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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