I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
