the condom got lost in my hair
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
