I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
