Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
