Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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