Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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