You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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