The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
