Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
