Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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