I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
