i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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