meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
