I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
