i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
