So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
