He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
