2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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