At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
