I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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