I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
