If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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