Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize