I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize