Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
