He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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