Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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